To survive means to continue to live and avoid dying… Break up is not a death sentence. It will be interesting to note that some have taken their lives because of a break up. Others are planning to commit suicide because of a break up. And we see the videos all the time. But we want to continue to live even after a break up...
2 PARTIES OF A BREAKUP
So when there’s a break-up, there are normally two parties
1. The “break-uper” (the one who normal calls for the break-up)
2. The “break-upee” (the one who’s most affected by the breakup)
But we’ll take it from the “break-upee’s” angle; since that’s who is mostly affected.
These points are to guide us...
1. Don’t fight your feelings
When we have a break up, we experience a wide variety of powerful and negative feelings including; sadness, anger, confusion, resentment, jealousy, fear, regret, etc. Just to mention a few.
If you try to ignore or suppress these feelings, you will likely only prolong the normal grieving process, and sometimes get totally stuck in it. The stages of grieving frequently include: shock/denial (you’re shocked it happened) >> bargaining (you try to see if it can work again) >> anger (then you become angry) >> depression (then depression may set it) >> eventually acceptance (and an acceptance after a long time).
But there are several conditions that will likely intensify your negative feelings. These conditions include;
Not being the one who decided to break up.
Not seeing the break-up coming.
This being your first serious relationship.
Your ex being your only real close friend.
These things will even make you more hurt.
2. Allow yourself to mourn
Why do you have to mourn? You mourn because you’re letting go of someone you have come to care for deeply, and detaching from the idea of a future you once envisioned.
"It’s OK to take a period to grieve the end of a relationship. “Let yourself suffer. Get it all out emotionally so you can move on." - Edward Duodu
Take time to remember the good times, accept and celebrate them for what they were, and allow yourself to cry over it all. If you hold it in, you’ll delay the moving-on process. I remember when I was bounced after close to five years of friendship. I had to cry Charlie! “Man no dey cry but I cried”.
3. Don’t play the blame game
It’s takes two to tango. Remember, there are two people in most relationships, and thus, two perspectives, two parties who made mistakes, two humans who didn’t match well enough to make it last. As tempting as it is to blame yourself (or your ex), these are not healthy ways to cope with a breakup.
Try your best not to feed into ideas that you never deserved your ex or that they never deserved you or you shouldn’t have done this or that; and that led to the breakup. It was a two-way street, end of story.
4. Openly discuss your feelings
Another powerful tool to dealing with break up is talking about your feelings related to the break-up. As we talk to supportive friends and family members, we can come to some new understandings and relieve some of our pain.
As we talk to others, we usually discover that our feelings are normal and that others have survived these feelings. Again, don’t isolate yourself or withdraw from those people who can give you support.
When I was going through my grief, my little sister was my support system. She listened to me any time I had something to say about how I felt. A few of my friends who were also aware had their share - they knew how I talked about the issue. Look for those people and hook up to them. They are all around you. Just be cautious as to who you go to.
I believe this was very helpful. Join me in the next episode for the continuation. Let's keep in touch.
Kind regards,
EDWARD DUODU
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